A Quick Basketball Rant

Ever since the fall of the Shaq-Phil-Kobe triumvirate, I have considered Shaquille O'Neal to be the NBA's version of Ajax, of Homer's Iliad. Think about it. He is the self-proclaimed MDE (Most Dominant Ever) and is easily the most massive motherfucker I have ever seen in person. Which is saying a lot, as I once saw Robert Traylor with Glenn Robinson at Best Buy. Anyway, if Shaq is Ajax, a question is begged: who are Kobe, Wade, and Phil? The first answer is a slam dunk, if you will forgive the pun. Phil is Agamemnon, king of the Greeks. Commander in chief and wearer of the big pants. For further evidence, if the analogy is not obvious enough, consider the fact that Agamemnon ran off with Priam's daughter. Phil Jackson currently dates the daughter of a certain extremely high-ranking Lakers official. Now for Kobe. Kobe, reckless and berserk, completely fits into the role of Achilles. Achilles, as we all well know, was the wild and deadly Greek warrior who openly defied his leader and contemporaries in the name of his own quest for immortality. He was also a rapist. Hey, this is all starting to fall into place! Finally, we have Dwyane Wade. This man, who had a wife and son before he embarked upon his voyage, is Odysseus. Not only was Odysseus a man who overcame the lack of natural ability and lineage that primed Achilles for his fate, with solely his wits and the favor of the gods; Odysseus represented an entirely new saga in the development of Greek legend. Wade will wander long and encounter obstacle after obstacle, but he will find his way. Nowhere does this little parallel make as much sense to me as it did upon the last stand of the Shaq-Phil-Kobe Lakers. In a Game 4 (and penultimate) Finals loss to the Pistons, Shaq posted 36 points and 20 rebounds. Meanwhile, Dwyane Wade led the Heat into the Conference Semifinals, beginning an as-yet-to-be-thwarted run at Michael Jordan's seat as the most inspirational player in the sport. Any doubters can kindly refer to the 29-11-11 performance against Keith Bogans, Marquis Estill, and the rest of the No. 1-seeded Kentucky Wildcats in the 2003 NCAA Tournament. The other players to have done this in that particular tournament are Oscar Robertson, Magic Johnson and Andre Miller (whose performance I attribute more to the coaching of Rick Majerus and to an extremely shaky '98 Arizona squad). Also, I was at that game, so lick my taint. Then again, until Wade beats me in H-O-R-S-E I will never take him seriously.