Ten Moments That Defined Baseball
c. 9,000 B.C.E - Jose Lima drills Julio Franco with the passed kidney stone of a 30-foot ground sloth. Unsure about what to do next, Franco invents first base and advances to it.
c. 1700 B.C.E. - Greek islanders construct the first monoxylon, a boat completely dug out of a single tree. These mariners proceed to litter the floor of the craft with sunflower seed shells and used hypodermic needles.
c. 1300 C.E. - Thinking they are smarter than us, the British invent Cricket. Meanwhile, Long having crossed the Bering land bridge, Lima and Franco encounter Don Zimmer, who proceeds to fall down.
May 24, 1935 - To win a bet from Emil Fuchs, Babe Ruth eats an entire horse. And I mean en entire horse. The next day, in an 11-7 loss to the Pirates, Ruth goes 4/4 with 3 home runs and 6 RBI.
1943 - The Racine Belles win the first Championship of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. Meanwhile, a tree falls in Northern Wisconsin's Chequamegon National Forest. Some other stuff happens as well, but the tree was the important part I wanted to tell you.
January 31, 1947 - Nolan Ryan exits his mother's womb in excess of one hundred miles per hour. Two orderlies are killed and Ryan's uncle George requires an emergency jaw rewiring.
April 15, 1947 - Jackie Robinson goes 0/3 for the Dodgers. Subsequently, Moses Walker forgets his own name.
June 20, 1970 - Dock Ellis throws a no-hitter while under the effect of LSD, but forgets his one-hitter in his car. Meanwhile, Spaceman Lee can't leephus his way into a no-hitter but has his one-hitter with him on the mound at all times.
1986 - Doc, Darryl, Rocket, Buckner. It's the World Series on NBC! I'm not sure what the bigger story of this series was. I really don't. Only in New York in 1986 would an entire baseball team be on coke. It's like those Amazin' 1969 Mets, only spitting up blood.
October 20, 2004 - The Red Sox complete the greatest comeback in sports history. Having upset the homeostasis of Earth's magnetic fields, their victory results in the worst sports hangover of all time and the Sox are currently destined to be hated forever by all people everywhere. Johnny Damon attempts to escape his fate by signing with the Yankees and shaving his beard, but just ends up looking like a stupid jerk.
c. 1700 B.C.E. - Greek islanders construct the first monoxylon, a boat completely dug out of a single tree. These mariners proceed to litter the floor of the craft with sunflower seed shells and used hypodermic needles.
c. 1300 C.E. - Thinking they are smarter than us, the British invent Cricket. Meanwhile, Long having crossed the Bering land bridge, Lima and Franco encounter Don Zimmer, who proceeds to fall down.
May 24, 1935 - To win a bet from Emil Fuchs, Babe Ruth eats an entire horse. And I mean en entire horse. The next day, in an 11-7 loss to the Pirates, Ruth goes 4/4 with 3 home runs and 6 RBI.
1943 - The Racine Belles win the first Championship of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. Meanwhile, a tree falls in Northern Wisconsin's Chequamegon National Forest. Some other stuff happens as well, but the tree was the important part I wanted to tell you.
January 31, 1947 - Nolan Ryan exits his mother's womb in excess of one hundred miles per hour. Two orderlies are killed and Ryan's uncle George requires an emergency jaw rewiring.
April 15, 1947 - Jackie Robinson goes 0/3 for the Dodgers. Subsequently, Moses Walker forgets his own name.
June 20, 1970 - Dock Ellis throws a no-hitter while under the effect of LSD, but forgets his one-hitter in his car. Meanwhile, Spaceman Lee can't leephus his way into a no-hitter but has his one-hitter with him on the mound at all times.
1986 - Doc, Darryl, Rocket, Buckner. It's the World Series on NBC! I'm not sure what the bigger story of this series was. I really don't. Only in New York in 1986 would an entire baseball team be on coke. It's like those Amazin' 1969 Mets, only spitting up blood.
October 20, 2004 - The Red Sox complete the greatest comeback in sports history. Having upset the homeostasis of Earth's magnetic fields, their victory results in the worst sports hangover of all time and the Sox are currently destined to be hated forever by all people everywhere. Johnny Damon attempts to escape his fate by signing with the Yankees and shaving his beard, but just ends up looking like a stupid jerk.
posted by Rory at 3:37 PM
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