A Quick Baseball Rant

It will be interesting to see how this whole Wayne Gretzky gambling hullaballoo plays out. Even more interesting are the likely implications this will have on the circumstances of Pete Rose's eternal ban from baseball. Does Gretzky get let off the hook? If so, what makes Gretzky's situation different? Let Pete Rose in the Hall, for Christ's sake. I don't even have a clever "then again" sentence with which to finish, I'm just pissed about this.

A Quick Basketball Rant

Ever since the fall of the Shaq-Phil-Kobe triumvirate, I have considered Shaquille O'Neal to be the NBA's version of Ajax, of Homer's Iliad. Think about it. He is the self-proclaimed MDE (Most Dominant Ever) and is easily the most massive motherfucker I have ever seen in person. Which is saying a lot, as I once saw Robert Traylor with Glenn Robinson at Best Buy. Anyway, if Shaq is Ajax, a question is begged: who are Kobe, Wade, and Phil? The first answer is a slam dunk, if you will forgive the pun. Phil is Agamemnon, king of the Greeks. Commander in chief and wearer of the big pants. For further evidence, if the analogy is not obvious enough, consider the fact that Agamemnon ran off with Priam's daughter. Phil Jackson currently dates the daughter of a certain extremely high-ranking Lakers official. Now for Kobe. Kobe, reckless and berserk, completely fits into the role of Achilles. Achilles, as we all well know, was the wild and deadly Greek warrior who openly defied his leader and contemporaries in the name of his own quest for immortality. He was also a rapist. Hey, this is all starting to fall into place! Finally, we have Dwyane Wade. This man, who had a wife and son before he embarked upon his voyage, is Odysseus. Not only was Odysseus a man who overcame the lack of natural ability and lineage that primed Achilles for his fate, with solely his wits and the favor of the gods; Odysseus represented an entirely new saga in the development of Greek legend. Wade will wander long and encounter obstacle after obstacle, but he will find his way. Nowhere does this little parallel make as much sense to me as it did upon the last stand of the Shaq-Phil-Kobe Lakers. In a Game 4 (and penultimate) Finals loss to the Pistons, Shaq posted 36 points and 20 rebounds. Meanwhile, Dwyane Wade led the Heat into the Conference Semifinals, beginning an as-yet-to-be-thwarted run at Michael Jordan's seat as the most inspirational player in the sport. Any doubters can kindly refer to the 29-11-11 performance against Keith Bogans, Marquis Estill, and the rest of the No. 1-seeded Kentucky Wildcats in the 2003 NCAA Tournament. The other players to have done this in that particular tournament are Oscar Robertson, Magic Johnson and Andre Miller (whose performance I attribute more to the coaching of Rick Majerus and to an extremely shaky '98 Arizona squad). Also, I was at that game, so lick my taint. Then again, until Wade beats me in H-O-R-S-E I will never take him seriously.

Two Lists

Update (3.4) I changed my mind. There is no way in hell that the Byrds' version of Mr. Tambourine Man is better than Bob Dylan's. However, I will leave my blunder as declassified information for the world (or the 5 or so people who read this blog) to laugh at.

Songs You Should Download But Probably Won't

• Necro - I Need Drugs : this NYC rapper, usually accustomed to talking about dead body disposal (see: Dead Body Disposal) and STDs (see: STD), sends up LL Cool J in his love letter to drugs and the people who deal them.
• Hank Williams, Sr. - Lost Highway : a creepy song about life on the road by the master of proto-country. This is the shit that the Montgomery P.D. was bumping back in the 50s.
• Fishbone - Party at Ground Zero : this bizarre ska band discusses Armageddon amidst perhaps the most marketable hook in ska history.
• The Byrds - Mr. Tambourine Man : Bob Dylan wrote so many awesome songs that it wasn't until after a bunch of famous groups recorded his songs that he was in the spotlight. This is one of them, and for the record, The Byrds do it better. And for the record, I arranged their version for the 12-string and added some minor key elements and my version is better than theirs. I said it. I am better than Bob Dylan.
• Shuggie Otis : Inspiration Information - along with Sly Stone, Shuggie is the originator of unintelligible booty-funk.
• The Kinks - Mindless Child of Motherhood (BBC Sessions version) : one of those rare instances in which I will openly admit that a live version of a song is better than the studio version. And this song happens to rule.
• The Dream Academy - Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want : the song during Ferris Bueller when they are at the Art Institute and Cameron is quietly losing it while staring at the Seurat.
• Stevie Wonder - All Day Sucker : Stevie Wonder for President.

People Who Should Quit Their Day Job

• Barry Bonds - Barry, 95% of everyone who knows who you are hates your guts. If you break Hank Aaron's record, everyone will hate you. I know you don't care about that at all, but you should. Hank Aaron was a real person, a real hero. You used steroids. Then lied about it. At least you didn't point the finger at someone like Raffi did Tejada. Oh, wait, yes you did. Any Bonds sympathizers can read the book Me and Hank: A Boy and His Hero, Twenty-Five Years Later by Sandy Tolan and try to hold on to the scrap of respect you still have for Barry Bonds.
  
• Roger Clemens - we get it, Rocket. You're on the short list. In the short discussion. Worth a 60 second spot on PTI. That said, kindly fuck off to the nearest convenient dimension. Either pitch or don't pitch. All you have left to prove is that you are better than Nolan Ryan and still worse than Satchel Paige and Walter Johnson. Go away.
• The Rolling Stones - you heard me.
• The President, VP, House Speaker, etc. - juuuust throwing it out there.
• Star Jones - not that you had a "job" so much as you acted sassy and got plastic surgery, but you should probably quit doing both of those, because they are both grating on everyone who can see or hear you.
• Joe Simpson - if prostitution were legal, you would be charging a hundred grand a throw, two all night. With a huge sadistic smile on your face. Somebody should plug you.
• Drew Rosenhaus and Scott Boras - athletes to you are what binge eaters are to tapeworms. You are the reason why small market teams can't compete in professional sports, you are tacky and I hate you.

Whew, that was fun, wasn't it boys and girls? I hope you listened well and take what I say into serious consideration. Then again, I just make this bullshit up as I go along.

I was going to use this space to berate the University of Illinois for reprinting the Muhammad cartoons when I discovered that my very own beloved university, the University of Wisconsin, did the very same. To be fair to the schools, these were student newspapers, and I know that here in Madison, school officials have already organized a student forum regarding the cartoons. Regardless, how damn dumb do you have to be to understand that not only do the cartoons portray the central person of Muslim history as a terrorist, but transitively suggest that all or most Muslims are terrorists? I just really don't see much of a difference between this and throwing Christians to the lions, or the Spanish Inquisition. Obviosly a mite toned down from either, the cartoons still represent festering Western ignorance and arrogance. I mean, let's think for a second. These cartoons originated in Denmark, right? Ah yes, Denmark, a country whose heritage is so rich that it includes a huge catalog of bedtime stories and a passing reference in that one Hamlet thingy. And both cheese and fruit Danishes. Oh, and fresh Copenhagen (it satisfies). As you can see, Denmark is highly qualified to wave around accusations that are discriminatory on multiple levels. The rest of Europe is also to blame. France? Germany? Sweden? Italy? Philadelphia? Really? Damn... Russia, at the very least, grew a pair and shut down the paper that reprinted the cartoons. Editors are citing "free speech issues" as reasons for reprinting the cartoons. The jury is still out on whether or not the Associated Press is going to pick up my cartoon about Jesus sitting on Bill O'Reilly's face. The right to speak is not the compulsion to speak. Seperate issues. There is a serious anti-Muslim current in our society, misplaced hate towards terrorism gets redirected to innocent people, which is something I can't understand. Then again, every Monday I scream for Jack Bauer to kill indiscriminately.

UPDATE (2.18): Let's clarify. In light of America's endless quest to militarily depose Muslim leaders, my position on these cartoons is defensible. Muslims in places like Syria, Iran, and Libya are left to wonder if they are next. The original publication of the cartoons was an honest stupid error. Their reprinting in European and Oceanic newspapers was reprehensible. The propagation of the cartoons in American media is offensive, hurtful, jerkfaced, and all sorts of other unpleasant adjectives. We continue to wage undeclared wars throughout the world and detain innocent (mostly Muslim) prisoners in overseas torture camps. These claims do not even require me putting links or other references up. They are common knowledge at this point, and for these cartoons to continue to spread is just unacceptable.

Today Dick Cheney accepted responsibility for shooting his friend, Texas lawyer Harry Whittington. This is news? This is like some piece of shit redneck Nazi transvestite claiming that he pays child support on an episode of Jerry Springer. Now the Republicans have their very own Vince Foster (or was that when Dems got their very own Budd Dwyer?). I say that because according to the Washington Times, Cheney, described in various reports as an experienced hunter, ignored more than one cardinal rule of hunting. Also, according to the New York Times, Cheney has admitted to having had "one beer" earlier in the day. Nice try, Dick, I used that one with my parents when I was in high school and got in some deep shit, and I didn't even shoot a guy. Other N.Y. Times reports reveal the depth of Cheney's cavalier and isolationist approach to his own Vice-Presidency. As the N.Y. Times says, Cheney acts like a politician who knows he is doing his last job, and he is getting away with it. Wake up, America. Halliburton! Refusal to reason with the U.N.! Lewis Libby! Cheney wan fi take I wit dem shotta! This man is absolutely nuts, and unequivocally dangerous. Then again, one time I chased a guy onto the hood of a car with a broken bottle in each hand.

Here are links to the news stories:

• Washington Times article
• New York Times article about Cheney's admission (registration required)
• New York Times article about Cheney's isolationism (see above)
  

This is a sign that Michael Jackson held out of his hotel window a while back. in case you can't read it, it says "I LOVE MORE". Although it could say "I LOVE MORK" but I doubt it. Assuming it says "more", my train of thought goes something like this: more>attention>drugs>drugs>drugs, et cetera. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Jacko is addicted to some really awesome drugs to such a high degree that he legitimately is desperate to be a kid. The Peter Pan comparison is obvious, but it still makes sense. That or he is just a really funny guy in the vein of Andy Kaufman who will just do the most insane things just because someone out there as weird as he would think it was funny. Shit, i think Michael Jackson is funny, same with Andy Kaufman. Come on MJ made a movie in which he turned into a crime-fighting spaceship. In this same movie, he totally covered that one song by Alien Ant Farm. Ultimately though, all this negative Michael Jackson shit maks me sad. At one point in my life, I idolized this man (as you so totally fucking did, too). When he did his pay-per-view concert, I cried when he blasted off into space on his sequinned jetpack. Then again, I cried when they were chasing O.J.